Sky falling, scientists say

They may disagree on the details, the causes and the timing, but scientists attending the Fifth Annual Conference for Scientific Alarmism agree on the key conclusions: the sky is definitely falling, and unless government does something the sky will continue to fall, leading to global catastrophe on an unprecedented scale."The sky is falling," said Jim Miller, conference chair. "Some of us are surprised that it didn't fall this year, but all our studies point to the fact that it is, indeed falling and it's close to a tipping point where the fall will become unstoppable. If it doesn't happen this year, it may be next year, or in another decade. Or possibly, it will happen in a century. But there's no doubt that it's falling. And we need to do something about it. Now.""The sky is falling," said Leslie DeWitt, the conference's keynote speaker, whose talk, titled: "Yo! Yo! Yo! It's falling, bitch!" was interrupted by applause and cheers from the usually undemonstrative attendees. "Deskyalists, those who deny that the sky is falling, are in for a rude awakening," she said. "Big chunks of the sky are going to fall on their stupid deskyalist heads, and I'm going to be there, laughing. Assuming I'm not dead from a chunk falling on my own head.But not all scientists agree with the alarmists. "The sky has always been either falling or rising," said Professor Merton Dusk of the Institute for Conservative Interpretations, in Atlanta, Georgia. "That much is clear from history. That the sky may be falling now does not warrant taking action that can disrupt the economy and cost jobs.""The sky is definitely not falling," said Andrea Rinaldi of the Institute for Contrarian Studies. "It is an illusion caused by the fact that the ground is rising. Actions taken to slow falling skies will increase the rate at which the ground rises, and then, so use non-technical terms, we'll be fucked."Other people acknowledge that the sky may be falling, but that even if it is, no action is needed. "In a free market, falling skies, if they were to occur, would encourage people to make investments that would cause skies to rise again," said Alistair Dunn, of the College of Market Fundamentalists. "Government intervention will worsen the skies problem, even if one existed, because government intervention always worsens everything. The market is always best."